Your man won’t commit to marriage? This could be why.

Wondering how to make a man fall in love with you, and commit to marriage?

When a man won’t commit to marriage, it’s usually out of fear.

Fear?

A fearful man?

How is that even possible?

Yep.  FEAR!
He fears you won’t support him if he commits to you.

You think it’s silly, right?

After all, you cook for him, love being with him, call him often etc.
So how can he possibly fear that you won’t support him?

But I don’t mean that kind of support.

I mean the support that allows him to be himself.

The modern African who has lived abroad, or still does, fears losing his independence by committing to you. He’s afraid that once he commits to you, he’ll be sucked into your world and never be able to pursue his dreams.

He’s afraid that you’ll want him to become the man he’s not.

Your man fears he’ll be stuck with you if he admits he loves you, and you both take things to the next level.

I purposely used “stuck” because that’s how he probably feels.

He’s afraid that he’s going to be forced to conform to the conventional idea of what a married man should be and how a married couple should live.

This year, my wife and I celebrated our 10th anniversary.

The thing is when we first got together in January 2008, the last thing on my mind was the thought of ever getting married.

I mean, I was sure that I wasn’t getting married because being married meant losing my freedom.

But as I got to know her, I realized she was a rare gem, and I am so glad I asked her to be my wife.

That wasn’t the case with my buddy, I’ll call him Patrick, and his girl, who we’ll call Sarah.

You see, Patrick moved to the U.S when he was 20, and 15 years later, he had obtained 2 master’s degrees, held down a decent job, owned a home, and enjoyed DIY projects on the weekend.  

He and his friends enjoyed deer hunting and fishing, especially ice fishing during the winters on many of Minnesota’s 10,000 lakes. He loved his job and his coworkers.

Every Thursday night for four years, he’d played poker with coworkers. Twice a year, the guys go skydiving or just on some other excursion.

A man can fall in love with you and still commit to marriage 

Along the way, Patrick met Sarah.

He quickly grew fond of her. I mean, she’s beautiful and kind. She’s witty and loving. She enjoys sex just as much as he does, and she knows how to make one man-sized Saturday breakfast that make him feel at home.

It didn’t take too long before she started staying over for more than the weekend.

Patrick loved having her around him.

He actually LOVED Sarah, but found it hard to tell.

As he told me, whenever he thought about settling down with Sarah, he got queasy.

Why?

Because Sarah had started trying to change Patrick.

They might have dinner, or go to a concert, and then have great sex on a Friday night.
But then on Saturday morning after breakfast, she gets sad when he says he wants to fix the deck floor, or reinforce the foosball table.

When he changes strategy and asks her to help with the deck, she’s not into it. She’d rather have him in the last recorded episode of a Telemundo series. So, he forgoes the deck work and watches TV with her.

Patrick spends the weekend couch-bound. He cuddles Sarah but is resentful.

Why?

because she ‘stole’ his weekend and it’s happened more than once. His only time to do household projects is on the weekends. He used to find housework restorative, but no longer.

Before long, Sarah had started asking Patrick to be home on a Thursday night at 5:30. As she prefers to make him dinner. Even though she knows he goes out with the guys on Thursdays for Karaoke.

My guy has to leave work early because he wants to make his lady happy. But he’s sad when he leaves work because he knows the guys will celebrate without him. He worries he won’t be considered a team player.

Sarah made Patrick dinner, but by 7:00 he’s bored. They’re out of things to talk about, and she wants to watch more TV.

When he tries negotiating with her, she interprets it as him taking his friends over her

There was one issue where Patrick’s coworker called to inform him about plans for their usual adventure, this time, a one-week of park exploration, and rock climbing. She refuses to come along, and instead offers that he doesn’t join his friends, and rather go on a cruise with her.

Sarah initiates sex that night, but he’s not interested. Why? He had begun considering ending the relationship.

Sarah was making Patrick feel trapped, so he couldn’t commit. He’s wasting time and missing out on things he considered.

And then came along a new coworker, who we’ll call Julie. She loved late nights, and had no problem hanging with the boys.  She was training for a bike race in spin class, so she didn’t mind if he spent all day Saturday doing home improvements. She had her own group of close friends with whom she hung out on Wednesday nights, and sometimes they went on weekend drives and adventures.

It didn’t take long before Patrick dumped Sarah for Julie.

His reasons?

Even though she wasn’t as pretty or nearly as good a cook as Sarah, Julie understood him and supported his goals, and that’s what gave him peace of mind, and made him happy.

He married Julie.

Freedom & Partnership  will get him to commit to marrying you.

Every man has dreams and passions.
Be part of his life goals.

The truth is, he wants a loving woman and more.

He wants a fun job.

He wants to see his guys.

Weekends are his time.

He wants to be free and safe at night.

Not because he has sinister plans, but because  he’s  lived an independent life for such a long time

Sounds Unfair?

If this sounds like the man is being selfish and wants everything, then, my sister, you’ve found your relationship problem.

 Why? Every emotionally healthy man wants what I’ve just described.

Some men want to spend every waking moment with their women, but they’re rare. Most of those guys are insecure, so you shouldn’t date them. If you want a healthy relationship, give him space.

Do what?

Sister, let go.

Support him; don’t suffocate him.

As Felicia and I have grown together, we’ve continued to give each other space to be ourselves. 
We go out together on many occasions because both of us enjoy being out at night, and I’m comfortable hanging out with her and her girls just as much as she’s comfortable hanging out with me and my guys.